When it pours it rains?

I talked to my mom and cousin tonight and gave both of them "my life for the past 3 weeks" in about a one hour conversation. It was a lot for them to take in but they had things to say that were real, wise, loving, and hard. My mom wasn't used to the outpouring of seriousness I laid down at her ears, but she listened and let me say everything, even letting me pause. She never made a sound until she knew I was done and then told me that I had a place at home and that it sounded like I had friends, real friends. She was floored that I thought my Spartanburg family might not take my coming out well, and that if the camp I work at in the summer didn't take me back she was sad for them and wouldn't understand it. She left me with the advice that whatever happens tomorrow (I'm calling it C-Day, coming out day..clever I know) is what is supposed to happen tomorrow. She wondered if I could wrap my head around that idea and I told her I'd try. Actually the more I think of it the more I can understand it. I was surprised that she didn't sympathize with those who weren't understanding.
Gigi, my cousin, said that I had been burned before and that this may happen again, but no matter what I was to give them time, give everyone time. I told her I would give as much time as needed. She shares my worry that its been kept a secret for so long that it might be taken from the position of deceit but even still that there is no backing down.
Tomorrow is C-Day. Tomorrow it will pour when it rains there is no doubt of that.

Interesting quote I read today in one of my daily quotes searches:

"To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else."
-Burnadette Devlin

Tolerance

Today was National Coming Out Day. Many people around the country held events on college campuses. USC Upstate held their event yesterday since today along with Friday is fall break. The Student Life Office, Pride, Upstate Feminists, along with many many straight allies celebrated with the gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer community.



I showed interest in helping with prep work and setup and at the prep work meeting I was asked to do a "speak out" or "read out". I found myself wanting to do it so bad and wanting to decline just as bad. In the short second I was deciding in my head, YES left my lips. I couldn't have been more nervous and yet so excited. I was going to be with people who knew I was gay and that weren't going to ask me why or how I was doing with that. Every move I made and everything I said was supported. I received hugs, high fives, and well wishes and for one of few times in my life, I wanted to hug back. I think I've always wanted to hug back, but for a long time I've hated myself so much that any form of physical touch made my skin crawl.
I know now that I have a long way to go before I can love someone or be loved, but another part of me wants to know who is ready? Is anyone ready? Can love even be real for me?

When I finished my reading (I chose David Sedaris because he makes me laugh and cry) I wanted to fall back and be caught by all of my new friends in a dramatic way and go on from there with a new philosophy on life. Instead I hit the pizza and soda table and hid behind a tree and talked with one of the directors of student life. Who is shocked? Right.

All of this leads to my picture being taken numerous times at the event in the shirt we all wore that reads "Gay? fine by me". Along with a rainbow pin standing in front of a rainbow flag. I was ok with this and today I hopped on facebook and saw what the whole world was able to see- Joey at the Coming Out Day Festival. I franticly went to my privacy settings and couldn't figure out how to hide it and then debated on deleting my account, but I decided I didn't want to. Whoever finds it finds it. I'm tired of hiding and tired of lying. How can I read about coming out and how living a lie can eat at you inside and not do something about it myself? I refuse to be a coward anymore.
If this offends you or makes you uncomfortable I'm not sorry, but I can understand how it could make you feel. I have to be ready to loose friends and be looked at differently. I'll always be Joey and I've always been gay.