OCD

A list of my compulsive behaviors:

-Making Lists (haha)
-Checking Facebook
-Checking my email
-Checking the weather (more than three times in a hour)
-Checking my plenty of fish account
-Going to NPR on my iphone
-unlocking my iphone to then only lock it back, repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Maybe I'll take a friend's advice and get a tv again, but then I'll just watch TV all the time.

A good book- here I come! Or perhaps more blog posts?

Q: Where have you been?

A:
I thought it would be interesting to show you what has been keeping me away from blogging rather than merely telling you.




I have been interning with the new Spartanburg Charter School for about 5 weeks now and I'm really enjoying getting to meet people and get things ready for the big move into the renovated 1939 building (which should be this Wednesday). After we get settled in the school we will be busy getting ready for an open house and for registration days. It's all very exciting.


I have recently become involved in the planning stages of The Hub-City Co-op. It should open Feb-Mar. 2010. I'll be the volunteer coordinator for the Co-op, possibly work some hours there myself as well. Woo-hoo Co-op!

And of course, for the past 5 months or so the planning committee for Upstate Pride has kept me busy, although not as much as I wanted to help. It went off without a hitch on June 20, with approximately 560 marchers and 120 protesters. We have already begun talking about making next years' bigger and better.

Then there is that little thing called a job. I work for the best company in Spartanburg. Little River Roasting Co. If it was not for the company I would not be able to be as active in the community as I am now. Get some coffee from us by clicking here.


I'll hopefuly be back on a "regular" schedule again soon. Happy Tuesday!

Oh, here is the new me:

The view from here

Afternoon Thunderstorms
Dexter
The Wooden Pinnacle
Fresh Coffee
Joey's Brand Black and White Cookies
Brass Tacks
Manilla File Folders
Pepperoni
Moss Green Stapler
Delta Creative Acrylic Paint- Metallic Gold

Escalades and Waterfalls

Whoa, I've decided to break the silence. Has it been so long? Where has the time gone?
Anyway. Here I am.

I saw a woman driving an Escalade, smoking, and chatting away on a cell phone the other day and I got so mad for so many reasons. I pegged her as the reason that gas is hard to find these days in Spartanburg, I mean really- what does she need that huge car for? Does she have ten children? If she does, do they all have lung cancer from riding around in the smoke mobile? I admit, I honked my horn at her expressing my disappointment with her choices.

What is wrong with me?

The short answer is "a lot of things". One of those things is my stress level. It has been building and building for the past month and a couple of days ago it was like Mt. St. Helens all over Pine Street with that woman and her poor choices.
So, that said I am releiving some stress tomorrow by going on a hike with friends. We will hike 3 miles to Looking Glass falls, having lunch sometime in there, and then hike back down and come on home to Spartanburg.

I will do my best to capture the moment with my camera. Happy Weekend!

Don't be afraid of the delete button

In a continued effort to downsize, I cleaned out the most cluttered area of my life. My EMAIL. I'm one of those save every email "just in case" kind of people, and well, I have faced facts and come to understand that I don't need to save every email.
I deleted or archived all of my personal and professional emails today and it felt so good. Really, it was so nice to see a mailbox that wasn't full.
I recommend cleaning out your email soon.

I am going to give a large bag of clothes to Safe Homes here is Spartanburg tomorrow. I'll fill you in on their operation later.

Breaking news that isn't groundbreaking.

I've been taking a Maymester course at the always lovely University of South Carolina- Upstate. I have enjoyed taking SOC 311 (Social Problems) and the professor., Dr. Neary. If you are an Upstate student take a class with her. Do it.

We have been discussing everything from poverty to education to homophobia. All social problems. We talked about the media for a bit today and how it related to our stress levels, and the stress levels of students in grade school. I looked at our local newspaper's website today: goupstate.com and also cnn.com and thought about the news and why it exists. I have come up with one theory so far. I think it has to do with a type of voyeuristic nature in all of us. I came to this conclusion when I asked myself, "what is the news for?". I really didn't come up with a good answer right away. I thought maybe the news could change people's mindsets, or tear down stereotypes. I realized that I was coming from a mind framed around doing good. I thought that it should do some good, everything should do some good. I was wrong. Sure, there are some parts of the news that help people. Almost every channel has a segment about how the reporter calls a company for someone who has gotten the run around on a rebate check, a bad car tune up or even outlandish water bills. Another way that news is helpful is if it shares information that can help others- for instance a segment on the importance of giving blood. However, the majority of the news I see and read has to do with violence or some other form of criminal activity. Why do I want to know about it? A mother runs over her baby in their families driveway. All that does is create sadness for the people who read about it, and adds pain to the family it happened to. It's not necessary. Are our lives so boring that we need to fill it with other people's pain? To have something to talk about at work during those off moments?

If there is something that can be learned from a news story than I am all for it, but if its just for shock value, I'm done with it. I feel for people who have lost and I can share grief with those who have been displaced by war, famine, or catastrophic weather events, but don't rub our faces in it, soon we will all become desensitized and not care what is news. Wait, it may have already happened.

7 things to say

I had some quick thoughts I wanted to share.

1- I don't want things to change around me but change is inevitable.
2- I enjoy being liked so much that it is hard for me to know if I like someone back or not.
3- I am 27 today, but feel 21
4- I have lived in South Carolina for 5 years.
5- I have both high hopes and debilitating anxiety.
6- Nothing is as bad as I make it out to be.
7- Kindness still exists and friends are present.

Thats all for now.

Thats not funny

I've been thinking about talking about the recent murders in the GLBTQ community. I wasn't sure how and where to approach it from. I have read some articles on the deaths on cnn.com, hrc.org, etc. The thing that I have noticed is that most of the articles don't really focus on the "bigger picture". While many people are talking about hate crime legislation, I think the thing that is being left out is the upbringing of our children, especially in which the way we talk, joke, and live.

There are plenty of times when a racist, sexists or homophobic joke has been told and I've laughed or snickered. What I could/should have done was not laugh, say that it wasn't funny, or even walk away. I think that if we did this, it would be a slow start to changing how people think or talk about the people around them. Speaking of being around other people, I see that as another problem. If we are always around the same people and taught that there are "other people" or even that there are good people and bad people.

If you're like me and see the news and ask what can I do to help but always come away feeling powerless, think about the way you have conversations with people during breaks at work, or examine the places you shop or where you go to eat, or who you spend your time with. Are you teaching your children the importance of diversity? I think that it all starts there.

Valuable resources:
www.hrc.org
www.stopthehate.org
www.tolerance.org
www.rememberinglawrence.org

Appreciate people

Xury didn't die. Rob sold him.
That is ironic- you'll see why by the end of this blog. I hope.

I've always thought a lot about things. I think I can attribute that to many things. Allow me to speak on two. Number one, I am an only child. When I tell people that they tend to understand right away. I hear, "well that makes sense" or, "I could have guessed that". I think it has something to do with my selfishness but I also think that it has something to do with my independence/stubborness as well. I've always had my own mind about things, and those that challenged my way of thinking needed to be squashed like a bug with my cruel tongue, or ignored and labeled as radioactive material or as a bag of horse shit. I can tell that thinking things over and over again is partly due to my "only childness".
The second thing that I feel makes me an over thinker is my dear mother. I think I've heard her say exactly what she means six times. I can remember those times because they allowed me to understand how she felt right away and didn't involve me looking into things, asking questions, and coming up with my own conclusions. It was nice. For the other times though, I think those trained me to hear one thing from people and to believe another.

What I wanted to write about tonight was how people enter and leave our lives so frequently, sometimes to great sorrow and some not soon enough, which is how Xury and Robinson Crusoe were. In and out of each others lives. Call me a sentimental wah-wah, but because of my darn thinking, I have come up with a conclusion about people in our lives. They are precious. Your third grade teacher, the gas station attendant who looks you in the eye and says have a great day and means it, your best friend in elementary school who you have no idea where he is now, your first crush, those people who have hurt you and made you cry until tears wouldn't come, and those who made you laugh with joy until tears were in your eyes. There are countless people in our lives and they make a difference in who we are and how we think. I don't think we really give a damn for people who are starving on the street until we meet someone who is starving. Now, I'm not saying that the person who flicked you off the other day because you pulled in front of them in traffic will alter your life, or that the man at the groccery store who lets you go ahead of him because you only have three items will melt your heart enough to give money to the Alzheimers Association, but don't dismiss encounters as just encounters. People are brought into our lives for a reason, and vice-versa.

All this so I could tell you to appreciate people. Funny how something so simple to say turns into a rant at 12:30am. If I am to do anything with my life, taking chances with my heart has to be a part of that. Will you open yours?

Pull up the shallow roots again.

New year, new blog look. I'm not thrilled with it, but maybe it will grow on me.
I'm saying goodbye to 554 Woodland Street in less than a month. Changes all around. I'm still flying solo until my roommate returns on Tuesday night. I don't miss the dogs yet but I do miss my roommate's company. While it is nice being alone, I think not alone is better in the end. If I had to choose between a lifetime of alone or a lifetime of with, I think with would win.
It's hard to cook for one, and while its easy to pick a channel on the tv or what to eat, you don't get to laugh with someone about the tv or argue about food options.

And then there is school-
One more week before classes. Here I go again.

Mas Menos Christ

I wonder how a stranger would picture me based on my blog. It is something that I don't think about too much but I was wondering if other bloggers out there have thought that. Well?

As far as my last post about heroes I would like to come back to that some other time if at all. What is on my mind right now is Christmas, and how for the first time I don't really have the Christmas Cheer inside me. I don't really want to go out and buy gifts for people or wrap things up in cute little packages and sip hot chocolate and sing carols with the family.
Before you label me a grinch or a scrooge hear me out.

While the "retailization of Christmas" has played a part in my feelings I do not want to peg it all on the malls, wal-mart, etc. They are only acting in a way in which they know we will react. If they put out twinkle lights, candy canes, lotion baskets, golf-tee and money clips gifts in October then people will buy them. Why? Who wants that crap anyway. Sorry if you bought that stuff, you can still return it Christmas is a week away, plenty of time.
It doesn't help that I'm poor either. Maybe if I had more money I would like Christmas more. Nah, it still runs our lives too much for me to get all behind it. How so you might ask? Stress to get the right gift, stress on pleasing people in your lives by giving enough time here and there, sitting through another meal with family right after you just did it a month ago...etc.

What about Jesus? What does He have to say about Christmas? Would he be throwing tables of fruitcakes and popcorn tins out on the street saying, "What the hell are you guys doing?". Not likely, although I would like to see it. I think Jesus would say something like this, "Its just my birthday guys, and really my birthday isn't in December, but hey, thanks for sending all those cards with sweet sentiments that you didn't write. Way to do some recruiting though!" No, another jest, but for weeks now I go to bed wondering "what Christmas is all about" and I guess if it means that you get together with your family, give more to charities than normal, and think about how fortunate we all are thanks to a little babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in some hay, then I'll suck it up and smile when I open my yearly gift of socks and underwear and say, "thank you for these cotton undergarments, OH! and also for eternal life".

Please more love than truth...just for today...no? Ok, well at least truth then love.

So many things have happened since my last post. Thanksgiving in Florida, crazy 4AM shopping, light bulbs, Christmas trees, guinea pig cages, etc. Let your imagination take you where it will.

Lessons since my last post.
1) Irony is only funny when it happens to someone else. (Speeding ticket after "speeding can wreck your day" photo on my last post).
2) Just because your family loves you doesn't mean they will treat you with kid gloves. (apparently 26 going on 27 is the age when everything is fair game for conversation).
3) Never underestimate the power of your ability to change a light bulb. (Height is everything...in this case)
4) Instead of taking lots of pictures- live like your getting your picture taken. (I found myself seeing lots of kodak moments but instead of capturing them I watched them)
5) What your parents tell you about life lessons they have learned are true. (its hard as hell to admit, but it is what it is)

If you know me then this statement is pretty earth shattering- I could use a hug right now, and a pat on the back. I think it would get me "back in the game". This however is not a solicitation for hugs, I just have never really wanted one. Guess I'm getting over my self-loathing phase, sweet.

Oh, no!

I've had many bad phone calls within the last 8 years or so, and tonight when I got out of the shower I saw that my cousin had called three times. Normally, if she calls she will leave a message or she will call once. Three calls in a row freaked me out and I made up all kinds of horrible things that may have happened. I gathered myself back together and called her back. The three rings before she answered were like little punches in my stomach that stung deep inside. She answered and fortunately told me about some flight deals to Tampa. PHEW!

Now my mom and I have a deal at least- she never calls a work phone number unless it is an emergency. The same for me. Home phones are great for messages or normal calls. Calling over and over again in a row with no message is strictly prohibited.

So, tonight a crisis was not present and I am so thankful.

People Waiting

Ok, so I'm about to romanticize the airport. Get ready- it might be sappy.So I've done my fair share (and more) of waiting in the airport. I've been stuck in Atlanta for ages and waited for people at airports many many times. I thought about it recently as I waited for my roomie Barrett to fly into the Greenville-Spartanburg International Airport. This "international airport" has two concourses: A and B. I think something like 8 airlines service the airport. Long story short it's very small but has a big name.

Anyway, I was waiting for him and when I wasn't talking on the phone with a friend, thanks Holland and Amber, I noticed the people waiting. They all stood or sat around the tvs that show arrival times. This airport even had the screen with the US map and little planes flying closer and closer to the dot labeled GSP: the airport that we all waited in.
I watched the people read magazines, books, do stuff on their laptops and I noticed that almost like clockwork they would glance up at the screens every 2-3 minutes. Updated information I think was posted every 5-10 minutes. I couldn't help but think how fun it would be to be in charge of the little planes on the screen and make them do crazy loops while their loved ones grabbed their hearts in panic and gasped for air until I made their course right again. (This is what you do in the airport while you wait).
I tried to guess by peoples faces how long it had been since they had last seen the person they were waiting for. I'm pretty sure some of the people had seen their arriving friends/family not so long ago (it was like they were waiting in line for free pens and pencils: no emotion) others were nervous looking- I liked this the best. I made up stories of long lost loves and moms and dads in Iraq being reunited with children, crying and having teddybears with gi-joe outfits and yellow ribbons. Wow, I get teary just making it up.

What I liked most about the airport is that everyone around me was there for the same reason. We were waiting. Waiting on people. People we must like I assumed. Who waits for people they don't like? It made me feel good that those getting off the plane were about to embrace people that waited for them. Thats nice, huh? Next time I get off a plane and people are waiting I'm gonna hug them hard, and try not to cry and thank them for waiting.

Feeling loved is hard to beat, and the airport with it's bad carpeting colors, expensive gum and magazines brought me something great.

Listen

So, for the past few weeks I've been noticing more and more people saying things that could be considered racism, ageism, sexism, etc. Most of the things that I've heard have been benign in nature; they weren't meant to be hateful. However they are still hurtful. I've said some things myself and including things like, "those people" or "thats how they are". Unfair statements based on prejudice or stereotypes.

I think it has a lot to do with people not being told that what they say sounds like an "ism". I don't want to be a watch dog for statements made about groups of people, but I would like for others to repeat things that I say back to me so that I can learn from it.

Let people know that their jokes about any group of people aren't funny or that the things they say make them sound unintelligent. ( somehow in a friendly way)


Why treat each other as groups of people? Or categorize people?
Being an individual is good and makes us attractive.
Who doesn't want to be attractive?

Ghouls and Grace

We had many children dressed up as sweet princesses, witches, spidermen, and vampires come knock on our door last Wednesday. Like this one:As the night when on of course the children got older and older because of hour and darkness, but what else started was that we got many people not dressed up. I think this exact group of people came over for candy:Grown people not even saying trick or treat, just coming by with a garbage bag looking for their fix.


Fast forward to the end of the week and today. I have been trying to find the use for this little handmade book. I'll take a picture and show you- it would be easier than describing it.
Ok, so I'm going to use this book as a "journal" for the things I see during my day-to-day life that remind me of God's grace. What will remind me of God's grace? Thanks for asking. The first entry is going to be just a couple of words- "support all around". It's true, I don't deserve all the support that God has put around me. It's amazing. I know that I might stretch the true meaning of grace from time to time when I notice something that makes me feel good, but it's my little book, so back off. LOL.


Switching gears again...What I hope to do today:
1)Eat something exotic
2)Clean My Room (this is a goal every weekend that is hard to accomplish)
3)Take a shower and not a "I have to hurry up and get done showering", a "I have all the time in the world shower."
4)Laundry (I hate it)
5)Drive to the Asheville, NC area to see sister Sarah. I'll leave you with a photo of sister Sarah.

She'll love that it's been posted.
Happy weekending!

When it pours it rains?

I talked to my mom and cousin tonight and gave both of them "my life for the past 3 weeks" in about a one hour conversation. It was a lot for them to take in but they had things to say that were real, wise, loving, and hard. My mom wasn't used to the outpouring of seriousness I laid down at her ears, but she listened and let me say everything, even letting me pause. She never made a sound until she knew I was done and then told me that I had a place at home and that it sounded like I had friends, real friends. She was floored that I thought my Spartanburg family might not take my coming out well, and that if the camp I work at in the summer didn't take me back she was sad for them and wouldn't understand it. She left me with the advice that whatever happens tomorrow (I'm calling it C-Day, coming out day..clever I know) is what is supposed to happen tomorrow. She wondered if I could wrap my head around that idea and I told her I'd try. Actually the more I think of it the more I can understand it. I was surprised that she didn't sympathize with those who weren't understanding.
Gigi, my cousin, said that I had been burned before and that this may happen again, but no matter what I was to give them time, give everyone time. I told her I would give as much time as needed. She shares my worry that its been kept a secret for so long that it might be taken from the position of deceit but even still that there is no backing down.
Tomorrow is C-Day. Tomorrow it will pour when it rains there is no doubt of that.

Interesting quote I read today in one of my daily quotes searches:

"To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else."
-Burnadette Devlin

Goodnight Brain

Do you ever really let your mind rest? I focused on that this morning and found myself thinking harder about things than before. "Give it a rest" is something that sounds easy. Rest your legs, rest your feet, rest your tired bones, etc. Resting your mind though must take practice. I guess Yoga people get that practice and learn how resting their minds works for them- or they are all big liars who just want a quiet moment in their otherwise hectic day.
Sometimes when I want to rest my mind I feel like I'm doing God or people around me a disservice. My mind should be working to solve problems, thinking about my friends, discerning right from wrong, etc. When I want to rest my mind it shouldn't mean "time to stare blankly at the tv", maybe it should mean "focus on what is important time". Maybe resting your mind can mean thinking about things in your life you are thankful for, or things in your life that you miss and love. I'm not sure I'll ever get to really rest my mind, and maybe that's ok.
If you have mind resting tips, procedures, or anecdotes, empty your mind here, maybe if you lessen the load it will be easier to rest...

Pretending

Inspiration and some time to kill helped get this blog started: Barrett told me that I seem like a blog kind of guy so if its bad talk to him. Another friend of mine, Holland came up with title to my blog- thanks man. Yet another friend, Amber has a blog that I find fascinating, maybe you will too.
http://amoviegoer.blogspot.com/
She is the main reason I want to try this out.



You know when you are a child and you first start pretending? You are a teacher and have a class full of stuffed rabbits and bears, or you are a doctor operating on those same (now sick) animals?

I think this is something that we learn to do because we want to be like the people in charge of our lives but also because its fun. Now in my life when I pretend it takes more thought and preparation and usually involves more props then it used to. A ruler is not a sword, its just a ruler, so I need a sword to be a knight, not a ruler...ya know?


Anyway, this all leads up to the pretending I've done lately- the kind that makes you feel like everything is ok. I've pretended that people I care for dearly haven't left for a long time, but are merely on a short vacation. I've pretended that I'm not upset when things don't go my way. Pretending has turned into something not fun anymore.

Just like when I was a child and pretend time was over, now it hits a little harder when pretending doesn't work and the true feelings come out. When those feelings come out its great to know that people do care around me, and that I can pray and give my burdens away, because without that, without the peace that comes from that, I would pretend that my life was perfect.